Truthful Reflection

We stayed home from church this morning because Little Corey had the poops and Jael had the snots. Lovely. I know. We stayed home and comforted the babies, watching what seemed to be endless hours of Rated Y television programs on the Disney Channel and KPBS. In truth, I am comforted by their sickness. I wanted to stay home. I'm tired. Also, if I really dig deep inside, I see that I am relieved that I have been offered the perfect excuse not to attend Kiana's birthday party. I would love to go to the party if it was just our family getting together with theirs, but other people - people I am no longer comfortable with - will be there. I feel hurt by their inattention to my emails and voicemails. Their lack of response screams a loud, painful message that they don't want to be my friend. Like a child on the schoolyard asphalt, I am embarrassed by my unpopularity among the people I thought were my friends, and I want to hide up here in the upper corner of the play set - up here on the mountain playground I shelter myself within. I feel so petty to be hurt by them. Once again, I expect more from someone than they're willing to give. I am jealous of their friendships and women's retreat experiences together. I want to hide from what hurts me. Why am I this sensitive? I have placed their thoughts and opinions and actions as indicators of my worth. I must choose truth. I must choose nobility. I must choose a life wholly devoted to the Lord - a life that is willing to lose friends in order to be in the place God wants me to be. May I choose that life. May I choose truth to indicate my worth. I am of worth because I am chosen by God for a life of holiness and service to Him. Now... to make it through seeing everyone when we pick up Jazzmynne...